Romney Must Make Friends
Oh the misery out there! But he doesn’t see it and likely doesn’t care. Mitt Romney is super-rich and above all those scraping to get by and doubled-up for housing. How can Mitt relate to these slobs and losers…er, unfortunate folks who need a leg up on the success ladder? The same way country singers who are also uber-rich do! Get on a bus, go on tour, and sing your little heart out.
As Mitt’s self-appointed campaign consultant, I’m suggesting no less than a Romnibus tour of campaign stops this summer. Mitt and Ann could rehab a Greyhound and make it their own, complete with beds and a shower. The folks out there want to get to know Mitt but they’re hesitant to invite him and Ann into the trailer park just yet. Better the Romneys should roll in and park in the center of town. Imagine the Romnibus rolling into Gap Ridge or Pine Tree, USA. Picture the balloons, the crowd, and the excitement as everyone gets a “Romneycare” package of detergent samples and coupons for chips and a soda! Who in that lucky crowd will get invited aboard the Romnibus for a cup of…uh oh. Mormons don’t drink caffeinated beverages or alcohol. Well, maybe someone wants to share milk and cookies with Mitt?
I’m only half-kidding of course. Whether the image of Mitt Romney is true or not, the fact is our chap is just not relatable for most Americans at this point. I don’t think writing an autobiography talking about composite girlfriends and eating rats that scurried around the guesthouse of one of 26 family vacation homes will do anything to promote our guy as a man of the people. Drastic measures are needed to make sure American voters see that the Romneys are just like anyone else, only more so.
Let’s start with Ann. She raised five boys. With or without help, this is a difficult job that any family can relate to. Maybe Ann can give out some of their cook’s favorite recipes or share whether she ordered from the Land’s End catalog or took her boys right over to Neiman Marcus or Macy’s to get their school clothes. Hmmm. Houston, we have a problem and it’s not voter ID. Okay, here’s a different concept: Own it! The Romneys should bring Americans into their actual lives and let us aspire to be like them. Hey, it worked for the Kardashians, as surely few of us begrudge Kris and her kids their massive homes in Calabasas and Beverly Hills and wish only for more Louboutins to fall into their walk-in closets that could house a whole family.
So, we’re going from the Romnibus to The View from the Hill, but it could work splendidly. Let us see the home the Romneys are building on the Southern California coast. Maybe Ann needs decorating ideas, and she’ll share her fabric samples and paint chips as America dials in to vote on them. Press 1 for puce, 2 for buttercup, or 3 for off-white and let’s get Ann’s elevator painted!
Then there’s Mitt himself. Stiff, low-key, and a wind-up rich guy who looks like he wandered out of the country club and got lost. The man needs a complete makeover! Bring in the experts and we’ll turn Mitt from drab to fab. Let’s put our guy in jeans and have him hoe a garden and pull weeds for a couple of hours. We want to see tousled hair, smell sweat, and cringe at the dirt under his fingernails. Can Mitt chip a tooth somewhere along the line, maybe biting into a homegrown ear of corn? Can Ann be in the barn nearby churning butter and crocheting double-layered red, white and blue pot warmers for charity?
But why do I as a freelance campaign strategist have to think up all this myself? Does our candidate even care? Please tell Mitt I’m available if he wants to hear more. But he’s probably too busy firing the gardener now that he’s learned to hoe and weed thanks to me. I need some milk and a cookie.