Republicans May Need Arnold Schwarzenegger
Mitt Romney’s strong first debate performance may or may not be enough to move the polls in his direction. If Romney loses this election, Republicans will need the best possible candidate for President in 2016. Though they have fast-baller Marco Rubio warming up in the bull pen, they need to strengthen their candidate bench now.
After watching Arnold Schwarzenegger on “60 Minutes,” I’m convinced he could bring some depth to the bench and even be “The One” in 2016.
Arnold certainly has the necessary executive experience as Governor of California. No matter that his reign is widely considered to be a failure. George Will recently wrote a column explaining why Americans might vote for a failed President. If the American electorate likes losers that much, why can’t they open their hearts to Arnold?
Arnold wasn’t born in the U.S. but that doesn’t seem like an insurmountable hurdle. Maybe his mom was actually an American tourist who got lost up in the Austrian Alps while picking edelweiss. After living with a local shepherd for nine months, the tourist gave birth and left Arnold in a field of white and green, only to be found by his policeman dad and raised by him and his wife. Now a DNA test has proven Arnold’s the son of this American, who sold her story to the tabloids to raise money for cosmetic surgery to revamp her reality TV career.
With the birth issue out of the way, consider the following:
- Arnie knows how to bury a secret. He didn’t tell his wife that he had a child with the maid, who continued to dust and polish in their home for many years. I think intelligence experts would agree that it’s nice to know that what happens in the Oval Office will stay there especially since Monica Lewinsky has a new book coming out.
- All skeletons are probably out of Arnold’s closet, including a fling with Brigitte Nielsen as she simultaneously married Sly Stallone. So Arnold is basically immune to blackmail. If someone threatens to reveal one of his secrets, Arnold will look them in the eye and say, “Go ahead, sucker. Make my day. Or maybe you want my pal Eastwood to talk to your chair, huh?”
- Arnold became a millionaire in his 20s through winning muscle contests and buying half of Santa Monica. He could create a pro-business and pro-bodybuilding environment for recent college grads. Anyone not working would still be working out and that would technically be considered a job and boost employment stats.
- I know what you’re thinking: Bachelor President Arnie rolls into D.C.? Extreme Secret Service alert, all party agents on deck. Don’t worry. Arnold will win back Maria Shriver because all Kennedy women gravitate to power. What a magnificent First Lady Maria will make! Maria doesn’t seem like a person who wants to dictate what school kids eat for lunch. Our youth will enjoy stuffed burritos again instead of arugula wraps. And Maria will dress with impeccable taste at the inauguration, funerals, Kennedy weddings with Taylor Swift present, and Cape Cod clambakes. (I’m personally having chills at the prospect of a First Lady’s armpits being covered by actual sleeves).
- The Schwarzenegger campaign slogan could be: “I said I’ll be back!” No, that’s not quite right. Arnold told Lesley Stahl “I’ll be back” sounded weak to him and that he argued with the writer to make it “I will be back.”
So, Arnold, try this out: “I’m BAAAACK.” Can you growl that with aggressive sincerity? It’s a new verbal technique called the “Mitt Romney.”