“Buffett Rule” Should be My “Buffet Rule”

 

Warren Buffett speaking to a group of students...

Warren Buffett speaking to a group of students from the Kansas University School of Business (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, so the Senate Republicans shot down the Buffett Rule. Whew, I was about to head offshore to protect my ass…ets. I sointenly wasn’t going to turn over 30% to the Gubmint.

 

What I want to propose instead is the “Buffet Rule.” That’s pronounced “buff-fay” to those of you who don’t frequent Vegas regularly.

This plan requires anyone making over $1 million to chip in for a free buffet breakfast every Friday for those 99 percenters who want to show up and self-identify. This would be in the top 20 major U.S. cities. If you live elsewhere, get to the big city or just grow a garden and self-feed. Your vote won’t count for much anyway and don’t expect Congress to do much for you except take your guns so you don’t have to worry about hiding them.

I feel this Buffet Rule would serve several purposes, firstly my own as I could run for office on it and everyone would worship me as the Waffle Queen or maybe the Spinach Omelet Queen if we can get Bill Gates and Oprah to kick in a little extra for a sous chef who’ll cook your breakfast to order. I can dream, can’t I? Hey, maybe I can call that the Dream Amendment to the Buffet Rule. Don’t oppose it, I warn you–that clearly would be anti-vegetarian and a hate crime!

Second, there would be less strain on the food assistance system which currently feeds 46 million Americans. Surely some could drop out having eaten enough at the Friday buffet to last the whole day the way tourists do at fancy hotels that put out a good spread. It could be billed as the patriotic thing to do, just scarf down till you’re filled to the gills and who will notice if Aunt Irma carries a large bag and wraps some bacon and toast in a napkin to save for later? The whole family could eat all weekend out of Irma’s purse and show up after a few such weekends and turn in their colorful card that the gubmint was putting money on for them to eat. “Not needed, we have Aunt Irma bringin’ home the bacon, thanks 1%!”

Third, and I’ve saved the best for last, this plan would lead to J-O-B-S as these breakfast buffets would have to be fully staffed and we’re sure the millionaires would want to hire Americans and not bring in anyone from another country who cooks and cleans up for cheap. They wouldn’t do that to American workers.

If anyone has any objections or comments, please keep them to yourself. I prefer to think positive– I’m in this for the long haul, and will be in touch with Paul Ryan to present my plan as soon as the PowerPoint display is ready. I just hope we don’t get bogged down in a tedious discussion of balanced meals, fat calories, organic, GMOs, sugar, salt, etc. Mayor Bloomberg will not be invited to participate though in the interest of diversity, I’ll be putting in a call to the leaders of all major religious organizations to work out the bacon/sausage thing, and whether a schmeer of cream cheese can be offered to those who partake of a bagel. I think the Hollywood left would totally fund that though Mel Gibson could get persnickety so we’ll have to tread carefully. Perhaps we can include green cream cheese and tell him it’s for the Irish. Hey, let’s think about a diversity consultant while we’re at—there should be an Ethnic Studies grad with $200,000 in student loans that we can hire for a little more than McDonald’s is paying.

Okay, start the petitions for my Buffet Rule and the Dream Amendment. I wonder if I should call Mitt and Ann Romney to get them on-board? Ann could serve at the first buffet in a frilly apron and show she knows how to work outside the home–win, win!!!

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