Breakfast With The Candidates
This is the actual transcript of a conversation that ReaganGirl had earlier this week during her breakfast meeting with the 3 top-tier Republican presidential candidates, Milton “Mitt” Romney, Newton “Newt” Gingrich, and Rickshaw “Rick” Santorum. She was fortunate to have them accept her invitation for an intimate sit-down in her humble kitchen, at her distressed teak table, with the company of her lovable cats and mentally ill cockatiel. This is pretty much how the conversation went down.
ReaganGirl: Have a seat. Rickshaw, here’s your Ovaltine. If it’s too hot tell me. Newton, sorry I don’t have coffee in the house. I’m a Mormon, you know. Okay, Milton, I saw that sparkle in your eyes, don’t think that will get you far in this kitchen. Hot cocoa? Sure. Help yourselves…homemade blueberry scones, sour cream muffins, and apple fritters. Don’t ask for anything organic or otherwise healthy. I don’t believe in that crap. So…I bet you’re wondering why I called you here today. Okay boys, here’s the deal.
The country is going down the crapper. You okay Rickshaw? Oh, sure, “crapper” means toilet. Crazy people have taken control of the Executive Branch. You know, that’s the third branch of government where the President and his Cabinet control pretty much everything from how many squares of toilet paper you use, to how many insect parts are in the flour I used to make those muffins. You know, the regulatory agencies. Well, we’re in trouble because the POTUS…what does that mean? President of the United States–raise your hand next time Rickshaw, no blurting. The POTUS has appointed a buttload of unelected “czars” to regulate every aspect of our economy…yes Newton, “buttload” is a real word…our personal lives, and even our churches. What, Newton? Oh, a church is an organization that gives form to religious beliefs held by a group of people. A church can also be a building where people go to worship. Thank you for raising your hand, Newton, good boy.
Anyhoo…The cocoa is too hot? Milton, the ice cubes are in the freezer, behind the frozen venison liver. Don’t mind the parakeet. It died last winter and the ground was too hard to dig a hole, so I just stuck it in there. So, President Obama is ideologically a commie pinko suck up to Stalin, Mao, FDR, and Bill Ayers. Cass Sunstein, and the other commie pinkos in his administration are rapidly transforming the country into a third-world socialist septic field by regulating Capitalism into oblivion, destroying the culture with lawlessness and immorality, flooding the country with illegal aliens, coddling terrorists, emasculating our military, shattering our nuclear arsenal and defensive capabilities, and spending us into an abyss of debt from whence none will return. The butter? It’s in the fridge, behind the Putanesca. Oh, and Newton, there’s heavy cream if you’d like it on your scone. Rickshaw, I’m going to add one minute for every time you look at your watch. Sit down! Doggone It! What I have to say is important!
WE ARE ON THE BRINK OF LOSING OUR COUNTRY! THE CONSTITUTION IS BEING SHREDDED MORE EACH DAY BY BARACK OBAMA. THE DEMOCRATS IN THE SENATE ARE CRIPPLING THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE NO LONGER HAVE REPRESENTATION AT THE FEDERAL LEVEL SAVE FOR A FEW–VERY FEW–COURAGEOUS SOULS IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. NOW WHEN ARE YOU BOYS GOING TO QUIT BICKERING AND START WORKING TO HELP US HERE AT THE GRASSROOTS? IT IS TIME, MILTON, NEWTON, AND RICKSHAW, TO GET OVER YOURSELVES AND GET DOWN TO THE BUSINESS OF GETTING THESE MANIACS OUT OF THE FREAKIN’ WHITE HOUSE! Capiche?
Down the hall and to the right. The fan is broken so try not to stink it up too much, Newton. Yes, I’ll make sure Milton doesn’t touch your apple fritter. (Sigh)
Rickshaw, let me address you. Guess what. This is a constitutional republic. Virtue is to be determined close to home, at the local and state levels. You don’t freak people out because they aren’t moral. You freak them out because you want to implement federal laws where the federal government has no business making determinations that should be made by local government. Yes, the provisions already in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution do specify the sanctity of life, and yes, the law is a great exemplar of these basic truths. But never forget that the states are the laboratories of Democracy; 50 dynamic, ingenious mini republics where, by trial and error, “We The People,” can determine what works best for a civil society. Dogma is inferred in the foundational Laws of the Land, but the states have the right to interpret if and how that dogma informs their local laws and statutes. Rickshaw, my boy, never forget…it is not the role of the POTUS to save the people from themselves. It is simply his role to protect the people from an overreaching government.
Welcome back, Newton. Oh, Rickshaw, you may want to use the downstairs head, it smells like Newton may have overwrought his bowels. (whispered) Oh my gosh, Newton, what did you eat last night? Good grief! Any way. Did you wash your hands? Okay, sit down. No questions until I’m finished. You blew it buddy. The whole adultery thing…I believe in forgiveness, and I’m pretty sure that God has forgiven you. But I call myself ReaganGirl, and the name Reagan conjures images of the sweetest of sweethearts, Ronnie and Nancy, their wholesome courtship, and decorous yet playful marriage. I really hate to say it Newton, but the thought that the POTUS and FLOTUS got to be a pair through an adulterous relationship does not sit well with most Americans. SORRY. Anyhoo, your candidacy is like the poor macaque with the dead baby. The monkey totes the baby around, hoping it will come back to life, until the dead baby bloats, festers with maggots, and literally starts to fall apart. Sorry Newton, but the dead baby monkey, that’s your candidacy. Now give it up. Yes, you’re the master debater. No question. But you don’t have a monkey’s chance on an L.A. freeway of getting the nomination. Be dignified. Be humble. Bury the dead baby monkey.
Milton, did you get the cocoa the right temperature? Good. First of all, you need to set your kid straight. Obama is not “great.” Second. WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST APOLOGIZE FOR ROMNEYCARE? Just apologize! You will be forgiven when you explain that yes, it was an experiment at the state level that went too far. PUUULLLEEESSSSE don’t be proud that some of Obama’s minions referred to it when they structured Obamacare. Just admit that government-run health care is a mistake, and that you screwed up! Newton! Stop! Don’t try to pet that kitty. She looks sweet on the outside, but she WILL draw blood. So, Milton. Yes, I have a banana. I also have a shotgun, and they’re both in the pantry. Help yourself…to the banana. So, Milton. No more of this crap about Obama just being a “guy who is in over his head.” I understand that you have been a Mormon Bishop, you are genuinely a nice guy. But you should know about EVIL! Obama is a SOCIALIST! He lies! He is narcissistic, smug, hypocritical, unctuous, and arrogant! EEEEEVIIILLL! Are you ready to take him out, Milton? Are you ready to play hard ball with the commie pinko in the White House? If not, then give me back the banana. If you’re not ready to acknowledge that the guy in the White House and his wife are the Czar and Czarina that must be deposed, then you don’t deserve a banana! The toilet paper is in the hall closet, Rickshaw. Please place it on the holder so that the paper falls behind, not in the front of the roll.
Okay boys, any questions?
Editors note: The preceding was satire and was supposed to be funny. If you didn’t laugh, you may need to seek professional help.