Barack Obama and a Debate Moderator’s Big Brown Eyes
Janesville, Wisconsin, is the home of a landmark icon called Bessie the Cow, a formidable fiberglass Guernsey that sits in a local shopping center. Bessie is 16 feet tall, 20 feet long, and weighs one ton. You can view Bessie in all her glory by crossing the Arby’s parking lot. Back in 2008, the Janesville City Council declared June 14th to be “Bessie the Cow Day.”
Janesville is also the boyhood home and current residence of Paul Ryan, Republican VP candidate. That’s ironic, because I don’t think Bessie roots for the home team. It seems like she kicked over her Janesville traces and got loose. She was last seen heading toward Hempstead, Long Island.
On the way, Bessie developed a human consciousness (not a conscience, please note) that seemed to allow her to appear at a Presidential debate for one night. Hey, Disney has given us worse.
Once she got to New York, some slick TV folks renamed Bessie and dressed her up as “Candy.” As we all know, you can put lipstick on a cow. TV make-up artists have some great tricks; after all, they gave us the Kardashians. However, that doesn’t mean you can dress up a mere cow and put her out there as an impartial debate moderator.
Sure enough, once the debate started, Bessie/Candy kicked over the impartiality bucket and mooed plenty for her idol, Farmer Barry. Barry stepped in it a few times–it’s hard not to do that around a gas-emitting bovine–but good old Bessie/Candy rescued him adroitly. She probably deserves extra bales of hay for that. Too bad the cost of feed is up because of gas prices.
A good farm animal has to learn to obey. And certainly, when Barry demanded, “Get the transcript” Bessie/Candy pawed at the transcript in question. Clever animals can be taught to point at things that have been put at the ready–but still, let’s give Bessie/Candy credit for locating the exact line of the Libya press conference transcript in record time.
Being a placid cud-chewer and no intellectual giant, Bessie/Candy can be forgiven for misinterpreting the transcript. Saying that Barry’s vague Rose Garden reference to “acts of terror” is the same as saying that Benghazi was an act of terror caused Bessie/Candy to stretch her hind quarters almost back to Janesville! But she accomplished her task and showed fealty to Farmer Barry. Maybe as a reward she can finally be put out to pasture? The old gal must be tired of raising her shaggy brown head to be patted by passing Democrats and CNN execs.
Possibly that’s what the “moo-derator’s” fact-check-stretch for Farmer Barry was all about–finding a nice cushy place for Candy/Bessie to spend her declining years. After all, being 61 in cow years is like being 105 in female TV personality years. Maybe the White House Rose Garden is just the place for Candy/Bessie to be tethered, always ready to give a lick to Farmer Barry’s steady hand.
What a shame that Bessie will have to return to Janesville soon, and change back from human to statue! But things could be worse. Vice President Paul Ryan’s hometown could someday become a minor tourist attraction, and Bessie could end up getting many rump pats. Some kid may even give Bessie an apple or orange. (Let’s hope she doesn’t feel compelled to chide him if he offers an apple when he said he had an orange for her.)
And the human Candy Crowley’s rapid departure from CNN should be marked by American voters and President Obama, of course. In fact, as one of his last acts in office, President Barack Obama could declare December 26th (her birthday) to be Candy Crowley Day. A statue of sufficient heft to honor Candy Crowley can be commissioned for the Rose Garden. Heck, we’re already 16 trillion in debt–how much can a statue run? Think of it: Little birds will sit on “Candy” all day and do what birds naturally tend to do. Repeatedly. How fitting.